Hi Amriah,

Thanks for entering this piece into the workshop. Let me see if I can leave a bit of constructive criticism and a couple thoughts on the piece.

The comparison of Raanmir to the nail was both violent and wonderful. The short of what I'm getting from the piece is that Raanmir is like that nail in how he is both sacrificed (beaten, hammered) and how he is part of a larger, indispensable whole without which everything would fall apart. However, this nail dreams of striking back. Alone, he's helpless, but if he were to be part of a larger organization or a mob, he could lash back against the system/elites. The piece reminds me of the classic class struggle -- the have-nots against the haves, the proletariat against the bourgeoisie.

The metaphor is great and draws me into Raanmir's situation like nothing else, summarizing a whole lifetime of despair and resilience in a couple sentences. I especially appreciated how he (or the narrator) saw him(self) as the nail he was forcing into the wood. In a way, that shows that he is aware of the situation, and in a small way, perpetuating it. He may not have a lot of choices, but he is still hitting that nail as he waits for his moment.

As this is a short piece, I'll run down it sentence by sentence and leave a few thoughts:

In that moment, Raanmir was the nail he forced into the wood, out of control and helpless.

"In that moment," implies this is part of a larger story. Looking down to the Author's Comments, I see that's the case. In this sentence, I'd consider deleting "out of control and helpless." My reasoning behind this is two-fold. One is that it informs the reader what's what, rather than letting the reader come to appreciate the helplessness without ever saying that word. It's a difference between "showing" and "telling". Here, the piece tells. The other reason is that I hesitate at the idea of someone hammering a nail into the wood in an "out of control" manner. Usually the nail has to be held and beaten in with very measured strokes.

Of course, the others nails felt just as controlled; it hurt every time the hammer slammed onto their surface.

This sentence offers another reason to remove "out of control" from the first one. After all, if they're "out of control," how could they feel "just as controlled"? Was the first sentence a lie? Perhaps a bit of tweaking here is called for, and a stronger focus on the overall unity of the metaphor. I often think of a story as being honed to one single point, with every sentence and word arrowing towards it.

Yet, they stayed strong, taking comfort in their role.

Perhaps there is another way to express this idea. Thing is, this line implies that they find this pain and helplessness "comforting". I imagine comforting to be a mother's embrace or the warmth of a fire. Perhaps a different word or phrase, like "gratifying" or "pride"? Also, "Stayed strong" is a cliche phrasing. Maybe some nail-related image could fit in here, about not bending or rigid backs?

Without each individual nail, barns, homes, harbors, piers crumbled apart.

Well, that's not necessarily true. Take out a couple nails here and there, and the house will still stand because the other nails are still there. Perhaps "Without all the nails, each...". Also, the use of past tense here made me pause. "Crumbled" implies it has already happened.

Without each nail's solid presence, the elfin world vanished.

Is this talking literally about a world of elves? If not, then "elfin world" makes me think of those miniature towns that you can sometimes see in large stores around Christmas time.

Raanmir was the nail he forced into the wood, pointed and sharp.

The use of adjectives here work very nicely to create a threatening and almost ominous atmosphere, building up tension.

He bided his time and, waiting, knew he would strike. Not alone. No.

I can't help but feel that the use of the conditional/future tense "would" weakens the line. Good use of fragments for style.

After all, one nail is a simple prick, but a thousand more are lethal.

Have you played around with the idea of cutting the "After all" from this line? Sometimes, transition phrases and words lessen the impact of a statement.

Now, looking over my comments, a few final thoughts on the piece:

Overall, the big thing that jumped out at me was the question of whether this or that word added anything to the story. When that happened, I was reminded of Kurt Vonnegut's advice to a writer: "Every sentence must do one of two things -- reveal character or advance the action." (From his book, Bagombo Snuff Box: Uncollected Short Fiction). To paraphrase it in terms of this exercise, "Every sentence must do one of two things -- reveal character or advance the metaphor." Similarly, every word should be there to contribute to this goal. If it's not pulling its weight, kick it to the curb!

On another note, you have some great sentence structure variety and a good focus on the metaphor. This solid pacing made the read grab me and carry me along to the very end.

I do think I would have had an even richer experience if the nail would have been expanded even further. Right now, I'm seeing the nail used in two main situations -- 1) nail as being hit and forced into wood (ie, worker feeling he has no choice but to work at menial jobs), and 2) nail as being integral to structural stability (ie, no society without the worker). The piece closes up by reminding the reader how a nail can be a weapon, and a sharp one at that.

However, I can't help but wonder if there are more opportunities for comparison -- nails in buckets, nails as forged in blacksmith's fire, twisted and ruined nails left abandoned in the dirt, etc. It could be a direction to explore if you're interested in playing around some more with the piece.

Winding down, I want to say that this one stands out among the entries I've read so far. It's fresh and interesting in its execution and it deals with a societal issue that quite a lot of people can relate to. Good stories and excerpts do that.

I'm going to star this, since dA makes it so that one has to rate to submit a critique, but please know that the stars here are completely arbitrary. They have nothing to do with my opinions or this critique.

Again, thanks for submitting this to #Writers-Workshop. I'm glad I had the chance to read the piece; it was a sincere pleasure. Please, don't hesitate to message me or shoot me a note if you wish to discuss something I wrote. Good luck writing and thanks for the read!

=nycterent